The Door
A healing journey from a haunting past

by JOHN REGIE ANTHONY A. JAMINAL

“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” John 17:20-26

I long for a father’s love, security and protection. I know that God is a father as I were taught in the Sunday services, from  Christian books that I have read  and from my Discipleship group that I belong. We often discuss how good God as father. My mind can agree but my heart is having difficulty to accept God as a Father, the perfect Father. He is misrepresented by my past, by my earthly father.

This is not to dishonor my father but this is the reality that I have experienced in relationship with my father.  I believed that I am not the only one who was wounded by my father for this world is in agony and cries of the fatherless. In the Philippines, fathers are going offshore to work for their families sacrificing the formative years of their children to provide their needs, legal separation, adultery, verbal abuse and even sexual abuse, or a present but a distant father. So, I was not surprised about the feelings that I have and kept hidden in my heart and was unsung until it cried through my sleepless nights of longing one. I am insecure, full of rage, anger, fear and rejection.

In my childhood memory, I was growing with the perception that my father is inside the plane, A far from home. A very distant man. He is working hard for my mother and for his four children. He is a good man. He provides our needs as I can see the pictures and memories of bucket of toys and good clothes. That “plane image” was changed to a “Telephone” as time goes by, we had a good conversation but so limited. So, God as a Father was misrepresented by my earthly father. God is inside the plane, a very distant man or a limited voice coming from a telephone. My childhood experience did not satisfy me to become secure and holds me from understanding God as Father. Full of demands that breaking my spirit more every time I come to realize that this demands will not be provided by him.

My emotional wounds, scars me more when the time that I was sexually molested by my cousin who were addicted to methamphetamine. I was in deep pain cries for a father who will rescue his child being offered to sexual sins inside that room. That was horrible! A breakable door lock was my protector.  No one came inside to rescue me for months of recurring abuse. My past haunts me and reminds of my far-limited father. Resentment and anger arise. How could I comprehend God as father?

And God spoke to me from one of a seminar in Thailand about sexual and relational brokenness, were I desperately joined for the reason that no one knows me and will reject me.

Jesus knew my heart and pains not because he bears all these for my salvation but as well experienced the separation from his Father. He had the greatest Father wounds of all! Even he prayed “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39). He is the only son of God and was offered to be mocked, abused, naked, forsaken to make me feel and be accepted as a child of God. “Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Matthew 27:46”. He knows the motivation of the Father to bring reconciliation so he obeyed. He understand my needs, He was inside that room. He reenacts the recurring memory with peace and confidence when I was in Thailand.

Jesus made me realized that He is not a distant Father but He is the complete expression of love. “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16, that he could give more than my earthly father (Matthew 7:11), and He is a perfect Father (Matthew 5:48).

Maybe you were “orphaned” from the demands of your parents’ career, emotionally wounded, given to your abusive foster parents, sexually abused, insecure and unwelcomed. He knows it. He feels it. He is in you. He is with you. He loves you! Jesus made the Father known to us! He is the perfect Father!

‘Siya Nawa’ by John Regie Anthony Jaminal November 24, 2003

“Sino nga ba ang lalaking iyon?” ang katanungang nakapagpatahimik sa akin at sa bawat sulok ng mataong bangketa sa kahabaan ng Recto. Sa kabila ng nag-uumapoy na init ng araw na pinalalamutian ng animo’y abo ng Pinatubo ang mga usok na mula sa mga tambutso ng mga ‘de-makinang pagong’ na sanhi ng trapiko ay matiyagang namamahagi ng mga mumunting papel na may kung anong nakatala ang lalaking yaon.

Hindi n’ya alintana ang mga pawis na nagmumula sa kanyaang katawan na kinatasan na ng pinalapot na maruming alikabok. Hindi mo mapapansin sa kanya ang pagod ngunit aagaw ng iyong atensyon ang lungkot at pangamba sa kanyang mga mata. Mababatid mong may mabigat siyang dinadala. Kung kaya’t napaisip ako kung anong mensahe mayroon sa mga mumunting papel.

“Huy! Sandali… Ano kaya iyon, ano?” usisa ko sa aking kasama.

“Ewan ko sa iyo?! Bakit mo tinatanong sa akin? aburidong sagot ng pagod at gutom kong kasama.
“Bakit mo ba siya iniisip? Ikaw ba? Iniisip niya? papilosong dugtong niya.

Hindi ko na siya sinagot at baka saan pa mapunta ang usapan. Bakit ko nga ba iniisip ang taong hindi naman ako iniisip. Pinakukumplikado ko lamang raw ang aking buhay. Ngunit nagpatuloy ako dahil kutob ko’y may halaga rin naman ang ang iniisip ng lalaking iyon. Mababakas sa kanyang mukha ang pagmamadali, pangamba, takot at lungkot. Aakalain mong ang “backpack” na kanyang tangan ay hitik sa mga mumunting papel na kanyang ipinamamahagi. Kapansin-pansin ngang hindi siya dapat sapitan ng dilim.

Nagtungo kami ng aking kasama sa Jollibee para ‘kargahan ng gasolina’ ang kumakalan naming mga tiyan.

“Gusto ko ng Chicken Joy at French Fries na may maraming Ketchup.”

Sa kalagitnaan ng aming pagkain ay namataan kong muli ang lalaking kanina pang pabalik-balik na nag-aabot ng mga mumunting papel. Pumasok siya sa loob ng Jollibee at naisip kong sa wakas ay tinablan rin ng gutom ang lalaking ito. Ngunit mali yata ako, lumapit siya sa Manager at inabot ang mumunting papel. Agad na pumasok ang Manager sa opisina at dagling bumalik kasabay ang pag-abot ng perang tiniklop. ‘Di kami kalayuan kaya’t nasaksihan ko ang pagpapasalamat ng nangingilid na mga luha ng kasiyahan at pag-asa mula sa mga mata ng lalaki.

“Nakapagtataka… nanlilimos lang pala… Kaya pala….”

Ngunit wala sa itsura, tindig at kilos niya para akalaing namamalimos lamang siya?

Binasag ang mga katanungan ko sa aking isip nang siya na mismo ang lumapit at nag-abot sa akin ng mumunting papel.

“Ipagpaumanhin po ninyo…” mababang sambit ng lalaki na inaabot ang papel.

Batid ko ang uhaw sa kanyang lalamunan kung kaya’t inalok ko muna siya ng inumin at sa hindi namamalayang kilos ko ay napabuntong hininga ako bago ko simulan ang pagtuklas sa hiwaga ng mga mumunting papel na umagaw ng aking pansin.

Nagkamali ako, walang hiwaga ang papel at katulad lamang din ito ng mga ordinaryong piraso ng papel. Ngunit ang batang si Emmanuel-ang kanyang anak ang nangangailangan ng hiwaga, ng milagro, ng himala. Nakatala ang mga maliliit na letra sa mumunting papel ang panawagan ng isang bata na nagnanais na maipagamot ang sakit na “Hydrocephalus at Congenital Heart Decease” ng tatlong taong gulang na si Emmanuel. Dinurog ng munting papel ang puso ko dahil sa mga letra na inisa-isa ng mga mata ko.

Marapat lamang na hindi siya abutin ng dilim ng gabi sa daan dahil kung hindi ay baka sumapit sa kanya ang pagdilim ng liwanag ng kanyang pamilya.

Inabot ko ang sukling barya at nilamukos ng patago ng kinuyom kong mga daliri ang resibo ng Chicken Joy.

Sa ngalan ng ama, ng anak, ng espirito ng awa. Siya nawa.

I wrote this short story to remind me of how long a father could go for his child. It was a fantasy, a fictional story since I really do not know how or where could a father go for his child. Until God himself started to make my very first bible verse that i ever memorized as real as He is to me- “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 (New Living Translation)

“Ohhh He is so fond of me to give up Jesus that He may have me…”

To forgive does not mean we agree with or condone inappropriate behavior, it means we are willing to let go, move on or free ourselves from the burden of resentment. Forgiveness can be exhibited in many ways and can be accomplished with or without the offender present.

Below are some steps to consider when considering forgiveness.

1) (a) Journal or write about what happened. Express your feelings and let it all out. This your personal experience so just put it all down in whatever manner makes you feel good!
(b) If you’re not a writer, find an objective person who can listen to you without giving their opinion unless it is asked for by you. Then talk it out.
(c) If you have spiritual connection to some greater power you can pray about it.

2) Look at your side of the event, disagreement, problem. How did you participate, do you have anything to “clean up”? To “clean up” means taking responsibility for your part in the issues, disagreement or problem. It is often helpful to look at how you may do things differently next time, so you can learn from this experience.

3) Consider if you are even willing to forgive yet. If not, I would recommend that you take some steps to work through the underlying feelings you are still carrying around, such as anger, hurt or a myriad of other emotions. If you are unwilling, go back to step 1 and repeat until you feel willingness beginning to emerge.

4) Make the decision to forgive anyone involved in the situation. Don’t forget yourself if you need it too. Decide if you need to say or write anything to anyone involved to get your feelings out and be heard. The person you are forgiving does not need to be willing or present for you to complete this process. You can ask an objective person to be on the receiving end if you don’t feel safe or comfortable going to the person with whom you are upset. You can visualize that you are speaking to that person when you are speaking to a friend or objective listener.

5) Let go! Keep in mind you are choosing to forgive, if you are holding on to a belief that the other person has to do something before you’ll forgive you are choosing to remain stuck. If you find situations re-stimulating the old feelings of hurt you may need to repeat step 1.

Keep in mind this process is not easy but it is very rewarding and can be very freeing. Often times we have to act our way into feeling differently by reminding ourselves that we have chosen forgiveness for a particular situation or problem until we get back to that place of peace!

by JOHN REGIE ANTHONY A. JAMINAL

(Uncategorized yet)
Embracing the Reality

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4

I cannot say anything! I can’t believe what I saw. I saw my father get inside our house. From the door, he was happy to see his children. I was with my siblings when he came in. We were stunned and don’t know what to do. I saw myself too much reluctant to embrace my father for I don’t know how to do it or I don’t know how it feels. However, my father was waiting and saw his eyes expecting that we will welcome his coming back after long years of work offshore that skipped him to experience our childhood and puberty.

He slightly moved his hands wide open and I responded, moved toward him and I embraced him. I started to like what I feel, so I hold his back better and felt a special warm. Then my father responded a very tight and hard embrace that communicates that I am loved and missed. That embrace was perfect. His arm satiates and redeems all kind of insecurities. That moment defined my being as a son with a father. An idea of “I existed because of him”. Most of all comforted and protected.

Few seconds later, around 3:15 in the morning, I woke up and every thing was clear and real. I had a dream. A dream that made a twenty three year old young adult to cry out-loud like a helpless orphaned newborn baby in the middle of the silence of the night. I turned the light on and it was the reality. “I am still here and he is there… somewhere.” I am hoping that one day he will understand what I feel about him. How I love and miss him. How angry I am of without experiencing his presence. Lastly, I want to know how I am going to embrace him if reality allows it to happen.

I pitied myself a lot. I was discouraged and started to lose hope even though there will always be a hope for that scenario to happen. However, I surrender my troubled spirit and father longing to Christ. I was honest enough to ask Him that I need my father beside me. That I would love to bite my fathers’ ears and kisses him like a little papa’s boy. To tell my experiences and struggles; failures and successes; needs and crushes. If he will allow me to act wild, explore things and be proud of me. I was like a “small child demanding to Santa Clause to deliver all gifts that he missed for many years of Christmas” to God.

God was so silent that morning. I knew He was with me and listens well. He was meek enough to acknowledge all my demands. He let me speak out-loud and release all my troubles and need of a father. Moreover, reminded me that being in need is a gift. That I agree that there will always be someone who will fill that need. He also asked me if in case that all of my demands to my biological father will not be met by the reality, will I allow Jesus to still fill my needs? Then He whispers to my spirit that “I am the Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, [the] God in His holy dwelling [and] sets the lonely in families”. Psalm 86:5-6a (Rephrased by me)

Somehow, I started to trust Him again. It was OK to Him even though it was a “somehow”. God pursued me that early morning and put hope in my heart that He is the Reality. Reality desires the welfare of His child. He desires to be with me. He desires to be my Father. He will father me.