Embracing the Reality

The Door
A healing journey from a haunting past

by JOHN REGIE ANTHONY A. JAMINAL

(Uncategorized yet)
Embracing the Reality

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4

I cannot say anything! I can’t believe what I saw. I saw my father get inside our house. From the door, he was happy to see his children. I was with my siblings when he came in. We were stunned and don’t know what to do. I saw myself too much reluctant to embrace my father for I don’t know how to do it or I don’t know how it feels. However, my father was waiting and saw his eyes expecting that we will welcome his coming back after long years of work offshore that skipped him to experience our childhood and puberty.

He slightly moved his hands wide open and I responded, moved toward him and I embraced him. I started to like what I feel, so I hold his back better and felt a special warm. Then my father responded a very tight and hard embrace that communicates that I am loved and missed. That embrace was perfect. His arm satiates and redeems all kind of insecurities. That moment defined my being as a son with a father. An idea of “I existed because of him”. Most of all comforted and protected.

Few seconds later, around 3:15 in the morning, I woke up and every thing was clear and real. I had a dream. A dream that made a twenty three year old young adult to cry out-loud like a helpless orphaned newborn baby in the middle of the silence of the night. I turned the light on and it was the reality. “I am still here and he is there… somewhere.” I am hoping that one day he will understand what I feel about him. How I love and miss him. How angry I am of without experiencing his presence. Lastly, I want to know how I am going to embrace him if reality allows it to happen.

I pitied myself a lot. I was discouraged and started to lose hope even though there will always be a hope for that scenario to happen. However, I surrender my troubled spirit and father longing to Christ. I was honest enough to ask Him that I need my father beside me. That I would love to bite my fathers’ ears and kisses him like a little papa’s boy. To tell my experiences and struggles; failures and successes; needs and crushes. If he will allow me to act wild, explore things and be proud of me. I was like a “small child demanding to Santa Clause to deliver all gifts that he missed for many years of Christmas” to God.

God was so silent that morning. I knew He was with me and listens well. He was meek enough to acknowledge all my demands. He let me speak out-loud and release all my troubles and need of a father. Moreover, reminded me that being in need is a gift. That I agree that there will always be someone who will fill that need. He also asked me if in case that all of my demands to my biological father will not be met by the reality, will I allow Jesus to still fill my needs? Then He whispers to my spirit that “I am the Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, [the] God in His holy dwelling [and] sets the lonely in families”. Psalm 86:5-6a (Rephrased by me)

Somehow, I started to trust Him again. It was OK to Him even though it was a “somehow”. God pursued me that early morning and put hope in my heart that He is the Reality. Reality desires the welfare of His child. He desires to be with me. He desires to be my Father. He will father me.

Advertisement